7 Things All Boys Need To Hear From Their Father

Don’t be stingy with how often you tell your son, “I love you.”

by Chris Illuminati for Fatherly Updated: May 15, 2023, Originally Published: May 2, 2019

Mikolette/Getty

Even the best father is, at one time or another, guilty of spouting some unhelpful adage or advice to his son. He will, at some point or other, tell a crying young boy to stop “acting like a baby” or fire off a “you’re fine” in place of real compassion. Such phrases have been said by generations of men to generations of young boys when they cried over broken Lego sets, took a soccer ball to the gut, or did something without giving it much thought. The advice is, of course, wildly unhelpful. But it can be a difficult habit to break.

“We’ve been preoccupied with teaching old ideas about masculinity, while ignoring a young man’s basic human needs,” explains Michael C. Reichert, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of the book How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men. In it, he echoes through research how the ideals regarding boys needing to be stoic and “man-like” causes them to shut down, which in turn leads to anger and isolation, as well as disrespectful or even destructive behaviors. It’s essential, Reichert argues, for parents to demythologize masculinity and raise boys to be, among other things, vulnerable and emotionally aware.

The key to changing the culture lies in how parents, educators, and mentors help boys develop socially and emotionally by offering better advice. Where to start? Here are seven simple phrases all fathers need to tell their sons more often.

1. “I’ve failed a million times.”

To a kid, it’s easy to think that Dad never does anything wrong. A young boy needs to know from an early age that his father has failed twice as many times as he’s succeeded, in hundreds of different ventures.

“The ideal masculine type, and what boys who are raised with flesh-and-blood fathers get to observe, is all of the human failings of the man,” Reichert explains. “The way we lose our cool. The way we’re scared. The way we’re in love with our partners. All that human substance is demythologizing the role. Telling your son ‘You know, I’ve made a shitload of mistakes’ is primarily to demythologize and make masculinity itself more real and acceptable and not some ideal unachievable standard.”

2. “You have to make yourself happy first before you can make others happy.”

A young boy must learn early on that he has to be a little bit selfish, if for no other reason than self-preservation. “If you don’t know what it is to love yourself, to know yourself, and accept and advocate for yourself, how on Earth are you going to do that for anyone else?” Reichert says.

Sacrificing, in a conscious way, is sometimes useful, but if that’s the only thing a boy is taught to do — in other words to “take one for the team” — and always at his own expense, then it stops becoming a choice. It evolves into a default mode, which can lead to many issues in the future.

3. “Was that really your best effort?”

In moments where you see your son half-assing something, it’s important to call him out to ensure he’s putting forth his best effort. Even more important is how you go about doing so.

“In my research, I’ve found what enabled a boy to do his very best work is a teacher who knows him and holds him to high standards. A man who basically says, ‘That’s not your best, go back and try again,’ and refuses to settle for less. Those are the teachers that boys respect the most. Those are what we call ‘transformative relationships’ because the boy is pulled by the weight of the relationship to accomplish more than he would on his own.”

Reichert asserts that this relationship works whether it’s sports, science, math, or the arts. If a coach, mentor, or father is demanding, but loving and fair, a young man will work his ass off for that coach and get more out of himself than even he thought possible.

4. “Treat people as you want to be treated.”

Teaching your son to treat people as he would want to be treated doesn’t just work for social interactions. It can be carried over into school and team sports and even instills the idea of loyalty and community in a young man.

“This idea is a real challenge to individualism,” says Reichert. “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. That Marine mentality of ‘Leave no man behind’ because you would never want to go into battle believing that if you get wounded, you might get left behind. You want to be all for each of you.”

5. “Hurt people hurt people.”

This is more than just a clever phrase found all over Pinterest. It’s a good lesson for boys to learn at a young age. Hurt people do harm — either with words or actions — because they have been hurt. This, per Reichert, is known as “traumatic reenactment.”

A father needs to teach his son that when a person hurts him, it’s to transfer the pain from being hurt themselves. Understanding why a person might do something hurtful doesn’t make up for the pain, but it does put it in perspective.

6. “Don’t always blame yourself.”

A young boy is born with the fundamental assumption that the world is fair and just, and anything that happens to disrupt those ideas is because he did something wrong.

I saw it happen with my own son. One day, for no reason, another kid in his class walked up and punched him in the stomach. While recounting the altercation, my son told the school nurse, “I really must have done something to make him mad.”

“We don’t really have cognitive frameworks for understanding certain behaviors,” says Reichert. “Certain things are incomprehensible. Particularly when we’re young. That’s what’s so difficult about traumatic experiences. We don’t really understand it so our first reaction is ‘well, this must be my fault.’”

A father needs to tell his son that whenever something bad happens, it’s not always his fault. There are millions of other factors involved in every action.

How Do Kids Learn To Make Friends? They Look To Dad

By teaching them how to play and offering a particular kind of emotional and 
social support and dads are crucial to pave the way for kids’ friendships. 

by Ross D. Parke for Fatherly, Updated: May 16, 2023, Originally Published: Feb. 7, 2020

SolStock/Getty

Friendship, in many ways, determines who we become. And who a child ends up befriending — and how they befriend them — is within a parent’s control. When it comes to the development of children’s social skills — their relationships with peers and friends, their capacities to resolve conflict and their abilities to concentrate — parents are essential, and fathers play an outsize role. Think of dad as the provider of social opportunities, the guy who gets the party going. For most children, his example will become a route to resilience and lifelong social engagement.

Fathers’ participation in social and emotional learning begins with infants’ early attachment. Having secure attachment with fathers as well as mothers in infancy bequeaths long-term benefits in terms of social skills. It is the start of a lengthy, continuous process that leads to other patterns of interactions, notably during play.

Children’s play with their fathers is often the physical context in which children develop social skills they need to make and keep friends. It provides the guidebook for how to manage relationships.

In studies, we observed fathers who moderated their physical play to a pace that suited their children, slowing down when the child was getting overwhelmed and being sensitive to facial expressions that called for gentler play. We observed that if a child was too unruly, dads’ facial expressions communicated to children that they should moderate their behavior. The children of fathers capable of this sort of mutual regulation were more socially successful with peers. They had learned how to recognize and produce the emotional cues for managing relationships. They knew how to avoid becoming too angry or sad or flat, and how to keep their emotions at levels that were not too exhausting. They were resilient.

The following originally appeared in a different format on the Child & Family Blog, transforming research on cognitive, social, and emotional development and family dynamics into policy and practice.

My work has also demonstrated that successful playful interaction with fathers in first grade is correlated to better concentration skills and predictive of academic achievement in third grade. Good father play is also linked to politeness and the capacity to display a positive attitude in the face of disappointment. In short, children gain a package of social and emotional learning in their interactions with their fathers that they can apply to a variety of situations.

Strong, healthy attachments, of course, are not limited to fathers. Children who are securely attached to both their mothers and fathers typically expect that the world will be a positive place and will respond to them in positive ways. Mothers are very important for children’s emotional development and managing relationships with friends. However, their contributions often take a different form. They are more likely to provide the language or vocabulary of emotion and to deliver it in a didactic/teaching format. Fathers tend more to provide their social and emotional learning in an interactional/playful context and in less linguistic form.

Well-adapted children typically have fathers who advise them on relationships and exemplify how to repair them including how to solve problems together and rectify past wrongs. These are cognitive templates for maintaining good relationships with friends and others.

Decades of work on how mothers and fathers resolve conflict also shows that after parents have a falling out, if they resolve things in a constructive way, the children will do better and be more able to manage their own emotions.

How to Foster a Healthy Social Life for Your Kid

If you break it down, fathers’ contributions to children’s social skills come in three parts: secure attachment and social interaction; advice on problem-solving for relationships with friends or peers, and showing how mom and dad resolve their conflicts. The best way to increase all of these is with involvement.

Supporting secure attachment and good interaction starts in the delivery room. We filmed new fathers being instructed about how to feed and hold a baby. Just 15 minutes made a difference to their parental competence three months later. Healthcare practitioners should recognize that they are supporting a family unit, not just a mother-infant pair.

Dads are underestimated and undermined when it comes to their children’s role in the development of social skills. The dad dance — the to-and-fro of father-child interaction in which each grows sensitive and responsive to the other — is a rhythm that children ultimately transfer to relationships with friends, peers, and the adult world. We should do everything we can to help them get the rhythm right.

• Dads are the point-parent for developing social skills in children.
• Successful playful interaction with fathers in first grade are correlated to better concentration skills in children and was predictive of academic achievement in third grade.

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4 Rules For Raising Open-Minded Kids
Who Listen To Others

Listening is more than just paying attention. It’s about
 understanding the story being told.

by Matthew Utley for Fatherly Updated: May 2, 2023, Originally Published: June 5, 2020

It can be hard to truly listen to other’s perspectives, particularly if they are far removed from one’s own experience or if they document pain that has been ignored for generations. But so many of society’s inequalities result from a failure to listen and empathize with other perspectives. This is an oversimplification, of course, but when people listen — really listen — and empathize, things can improve.

That makes it all the more important to teach children how to listen and empathize. Today’s children will still be sorting through issues of justice when they enter adulthood, and the way a child is raised helps determine the kind of adult they become. So what can parents do to help raise kids who listen with empathy and emotional intelligence and can change their minds? It requires an ongoing conversation at every age.

Infancy: Be There For Your Baby

The seeds of empathy are planted during infancy, when neurological development is very sensitive to parental behavior. In fact, so many systems are developing in babies that even something as simple as changing a diaper reinforces socialization.

“A basic concept here is ‘neurons that fire together, wire together’ — so when there is a diaper change, for example, all sorts of things happen: eye gazing, soothing speech, and relief of displeasure of a mushy diaper,” says Brit Creelman, a clinical psychologist at Allendale Association’s outpatient therapy clinic in Chicago.

Creelman adds that these social interactions happen in the context of needs being met, and regulation being supported, “with all this coming together in such a way that neurologically the brain starts to develop and become hard wired for well-regulated social interaction — the foundation building blocks for empathy.”

Early Childhood: Lead By Example, Focus On Empathy

Children in early childhood tend toward an egocentric moral position; they only understand the world from their own perspective, and they form their moral positions based on what their family rewards as good behavior. This isn’t an indication of a bad kid — it’s simply how kids figure out the world. But it also presents parents with an excellent opportunity to nurture empathetic behaviors by modeling them.

“The best way to raise empathetic kids is to do so by example,” says Lea Lis, an adult and child psychiatrist and author of No Shame: Real Talk With Your Kids About Sex, Self-Confidence, and Healthy Relationships. Express emotions, talk about feeling sad, discuss making mistakes, listen intently to your kids and others, and your children will learn from watching you. Modeling is paramount.

“Children often understand their emotional reality only in the context of others,” says Lis. “They also understand if they will get into trouble, but have not really internalized why they must behave.” Parents, therefore, must model and explain why it is important to do the right thing, even if they won’t get into trouble.

Certain tools can help young children better understand empathy and the world in general, such as reading fiction and discussing the feelings characters might have experienced during a particular moment. Feelings charts can help increase emotional vocabulary. Lis recommends social stories, which are narrative templates that allow children to run through various social situations and understand how to navigate them. Social stories often offer perspectives, discuss the feelings and opinions of multiple characters. “They help children grasp social norms, routines, and expectations, like walking down the hall, using restroom facilities, following lunch procedures, using manners, using greetings, asking for help properly,” she says.

Grade Schoolers: Model Behavior, Validate Feelings

As children grow older and enter grade school, the social circle that influences their ideas of morality can expand. And although that can create problems, parents still wield an incredible amount of influence. Even older kids who are internalizing their ideas of right and wrong still watch parental cues. Moms and dads must therefore reinforce those cues by asking questions and genuinely listening to their children. Parents should make sure that listening includes allowing their children to feel their feelings, even if that’s unpleasant. Validating feelings is crucial, as brushing them off teaches kids to ignore and internalize them.

“When a child is afraid, for example, it is probably more helpful to say things like ‘I see you are scared, tell me about it’ rather than glossing it over with comments like ‘Don’t worry, you don’t have anything to be afraid of,’” says Creelman. “When a parent acknowledges and names feelings, this helps a child feel understood. Feeling this from others helps build the ability to do this when interacting with others later on, which is a foundational component of empathy.”

Adolescence: Get Your Kids Involved

Adolescence is often when kids start to address more complicated moral ideas, such as the concept of the ‘white lie.’ Once they are able to consider another person’s perspective, lying to preserve their feelings becomes a legitimate moral question.

This is not the time to shelter kids. It’s a time for them to read more, to get involved, to learn from experience. This can include volunteering at a soup kitchen, going to a rally for the underprivileged, raising money for a disadvantaged group, or tutoring low-income children for free.

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How To Let Go Of Resentment Once And For All

Resentment is corrosive. Here's how to stop it from eating away at you.

by Steve Calechman for Fatherly Updated: Feb. 6, 2023, Originally Published: Feb. 10, 2021

Resentment is like a drinking buddy. It keeps you company and lets you tell your story of being wronged. It feels comforting at first, then starts to work less and less. Eventually, no one wants to hear it anymore.

The problem is that you remain stuck while pretending that you don’t care about what happened, when, in truth, you really do. That’s what resentment is. “It’s something that’s unfinished,” says Silvia Dutchevici, licensed clinical social worker and president of Critical Therapy Center in New York City.

The compounding part is that you want the offending person to make amends, except he or she doesn’t care and has moved on. It’s on you to fix things, but resentment is hard to release. It lets you be “right” and rave on, and it provides identity, even though it’s not a productive one.

“Resentment is doing more damage to yourself,” says John Kaplan, psychotherapist and co-director of Marriage Labs in Canton, Massachusetts.

As Kaplan’s wife Gail, psychotherapist and fellow co-founder, says, it’s like the Buddhist belief in two arrows. The first one causes the initial pain. The second one is a person’s reaction, which, when it’s anger, turns the pain into suffering. “It’s about living with the first arrow,” she says.

That work isn’t easy and is complicated by seeing the other person around town or across a family table. But letting go doesn’t require doing everything. You’re not trying to forget, because that’s not possible. You don’t have to forgive. You don’t even have to accept what the other person did. You just have to change the story into being just another story.

Here’s what can help you finally let go of resentment.

1. Admit That You’re Still Bothered

In order to let go of resentment you first have to admit that you’re still bothered. This can be hard, as it’s common to believe you’re shrewd and unshakable. But one of life’s incontrovertible facts is that you can do everything correctly and bad stuff happens. “Suppressing and pretending it isn’t there isn’t the answer,” says Alane K. Daugherty, co-founder of the Mind and Heart Lab at Cal Poly Pomona and author of Unstressed.

The next part is asking yourself, What’s really upsetting me? Dutchevici urges you to remember that the “easy answer is never the answer.” It might appear that it’s being fired or lied to, and those can sting, but with some excavation, you might discover a deeper sore spot, like feeling unworthy or a fear of never measuring up.

The revelation doesn’t make the problem go away, but it can help the resentment shrink as your energy channels off of the person and onto something more productive. “It’s not about what happened,” Dutchevici says. “It’s about me.”

2. Step Off The Gas

You can’t do anything when you’re worked up. Noticing the trigger, be it a name, place, smell, helps. But emotion has a physical component, so scan your body. Hone in on the tight spot with some deep breaths to release it, says Gail Kaplan. If you’re more visual, give the feeling an image, like a jagged rock, or color, like bright red, which can further help you smooth it out or tone it down.

Daugherty also recommends to relax the tiny muscles around your eyes, which will signal your brain to calm down. When you do this, you get into the third-person, essentially watching yourself be upset. You’re unhooked from the intensity, but then …

3. Make a Choice

Follow getting that distance with changing the environment. It could be going outside or into another room. It could be listening to a song or watching TikTok clips. “It gets you out of the routine response,” Daugherty says. It just has to be by choice. The nicest scenery won’t work if you don’t want to take a walk.

But you also want a new emotional link. Start small, Daugherty says, to get forward progress. If you’re feeling unaccomplished, think about jumping the car battery or make those great pancakes. It’s anything, anything, which makes you feel good. Do it over and over with bigger and bigger accomplishments, and it becomes the new habit. “Once you train the neural net, you expand the capacity,” she says.

4. Break Down The Film

Review what happened and ask, “What could I have done differently?” This isn’t about blaming yourself, but as Dutchevici says, “It’s a dynamic.” You were there and there’s something to learn, so when there’s a next time, you know what to look for and ask, and maybe you get it in writing or don’t loan the money. You’re wiser and you’ve stopped replaying an event that can’t change and taken control by finding something usable.

5. Share Your Story

A confrontation isn’t required, but, if you want to, John Kaplan says to shoot your shot and say your piece. There’s a power in advocacy, Dutchevici adds. But they both say to you go in without expectations.

You might get an apology or hear the person’s story, which softens your feelings. But even if it goes poorly, which it well might, you’re getting valuable information, John Kaplan says. You might see that the person is eternally horrible and you decide to cut all ties. It’s not the pretty ending, but it’s one of your choosing.

Even if you don’t go one-on-one, it’s still beneficial to tell your story and get the words out. “When you’re stuck in your mind, there’s no chance to see it differently,” Dutchevici says. Just share it with the right person, someone who’s supportive, doesn’t let you play the victim, and nudges you to find a different interpretation, because, as John Kaplan says, “It’s like a prism. You’re looking at the many angles of it.”

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10 Keys to Succeeding as a Co-Parenting Father

By Wayne Parker 

Updated on November 02, 2022

 Reviewed by Sacha Coupet for Verywell Family

As for the parents, they might struggle with feelings of competitiveness, frustration, and misunderstanding. Additionally, co-parenting in two different households was not what they signed up for when they decided to have kids. Everything about the co-parenting relationship is fraught with challenges.

And yet, in many cases, parents and children adapt to the change and find a way to successfully co-parent after a divorce. Whether the parents have shared parenting time, or whether one has full allocation of parental responsibilities, some careful planning and an effort to put the good of the children first can help create a more amicable and successful experience with co-parenting.

Fathers often have a particularly difficult time because they are usually the non-custodial parent and operate at a disadvantage based on the custody arrangements mandated by the courts. They frequently have the kids far fewer hours in a week than the mom does, and thus feel that they have to make the most of the time they have with the kids. The pressure to keep the kids connected with them when they suffer from a time deficit can be enormous.

Successful co-parenting relationships can be achieved when both parents follow a few simple rules.

Communicate Effectively 

Many co-parenting fathers suggest that this is the most important rule. Many marriages fall apart due to poor communication patterns, so often divorced parents struggle with being good communicators. For the sake of the kids, co-parents need to create much more open and productive communication skills and patterns. They need to talk to each other and use multiple communication channels including talking on the phone, interacting face to face, communicating by email, and texting.

When divorced parents communicate, it is of utmost importance that they communicate directly and not through the kids. Phrases like “tell your mom that…” should be banned from any co-parenting father’s vocabulary.

Document Everything

Quite often, the challenge of co-parenting can lead to further legal action. Fathers need to document every interaction with the co-parenting mother with date, time, content and a list of anyone else who witnessed the interaction. Keeping careful records in a timely way helps keep everyone honest and accountable.

Keep a Regular and Consistent Schedule

Kids thrive on consistency and find themselves anxious when things don’t go according to plan. Co-parents have to work especially hard to keep schedules real and consistent. If dad has the kids on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend, but the children’s schedule first. If there are unavoidable conflicts, try to address them as far in advance as possible so that everyone can plan ahead. The more both parents keep with the pre-determined schedule, the less anxious the kids will be. 

Don’t Overreact

Too often, fathers tend to overreact to a situation that surprises them. Keep an even temperament, even when mom does something that irritates you. The world won’t come to an end for you or for the children if mom forgets to invite you to an event or is a little late for a child exchange. Communicate your frustration — just not in front of the kids.

Disagree in Private

Moms and dads often have very different parenting styles, and occasionally (or more often) you may disagree with what the other is doing with the kids. If you have such a disagreement, deal with it in private and not in front of the kids. If the children see Mom and Dad as loving and supportive of them (and each other), they will feel more secure. Don’t put the kids in the middle of your disagreement or sabotage the other parent with the kids.

Prepare for a Quick and Friendly Exchange

When mom and dad meet to drop off or pick up the kids, make it as easy and perfunctory as possible. Avoid any drama at exchange time. For example, don’t bring your new girlfriend with you to pick up or drop off the kids. Don’t try to talk to Mom about a sensitive issue — save that for later.

Share Positives About Your Time With the Kids With Their Mom

When you do something fun with the kids, or if there is a particularly cute moment, snap a picture and text it to your ex. Often she will really miss the kids during your time with them, and a quick text, photo, or video can help with her anxiety about the kids when you have them. If you do that, she will be more likely to reciprocate when you need it most.

Create and Follow Your Parenting Plan

Many parents with custody arrangements have a parenting plan that is approved by the courts. If you have such a formal plan, follow it religiously. If you don’t, create one of your own after a careful and collaborative process so that both you and your ex-spouse know what to expect of the co-parenting arrangement. Talking about the hard things before they happen can make a big difference in how things go in the daily process of managing co-parenting.

Use an Online Calendar

Most co-parenting families have a struggle when the schedule breaks down. Deciding on a common online calendar that syncs with your personal calendar can avoid a lot of conflicts. If you share details about important events like recitals, school concerts, dances, and parties, you can avoid disappointment and loss of trust. Put all your stuff on the shared calendar, and then she and the kids can be aware in advance of scheduling issues.

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10 Signs of a Healthy, Effective Co-Parenting Relationship

By Jennifer Wolf 

Updated on November 02, 2022

 Fact checked by Andrea Rice for Verywell Family

It takes a lot of work for two parents to get to the point where they can say their co-parenting relationship is going really well. For most families, there is still room for improvement. Rather than focusing on what's not working, though, identify what is going well so that you can accentuate the positive as work toward resolving conflicts with your ex.

The following signs are evidence indicators of a healthy and productive co-parenting relationship.¹ As you read them, consider what already works for you, as well as those areas you hope to improve.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Healthy co-parenting involves two parents who are not together raising their child (or children) jointly to ensure they have a safe and loving environment to grow up in. To work, co-parenting requires that both parents not only contribute in their child's care, upbringing, and activities, but that they also interact frequently and respectfully with one another. The best co-parenting relationships involve the parents putting their personal feelings aside in favor of giving their child what they need emotionally and physically.

Have Clear Boundaries

Navigating Fatherhood as a Black Man

The editor of a new book of essays shares how Black men can attend to
their mental health while growing their families.

By Christina Caron for NY TIMES

June 16, 2022

Sign up for the Well newsletter, for Times subscribers only.  Essential news and guidance to live your healthiest life. Get it in your inbox.

This year Father’s Day will fall on June 19, or Juneteenth, a federal holiday commemorating the emancipation of enslaved Black people in the United States after the Civil War. And for Michael D. Hannon, an associate professor of counseling at Montclair State University in Montclair, N.J., that is “an awesome coincidence.”

“We can celebrate Black fathers who are doing their best to protect, provide and prepare their families for success, while also acknowledging the spirit and the resilience and the pursuit of freedom among Black people in this country,” he said.

Dr. Hannon, the self-described father of “two dope Black children” — an 18-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter — has been counseling Black fathers for the last 10 years. And as the editor of the new book “Black Fathering and Mental Health,” he now seeks to elevate the voices of Black fathers — and aspiring ones, too — who also happen to be mental health counselors. Through a series of essays, each writer offers unique perspectives on the needs, challenges and victories of Black fathering in an “anti-Black world.”

The book can serve as a resource for other counselors to help them provide culturally affirming and relevant support to Black fathers, but the personal stories in the collection are also meant for a general audience, who may identify with many of the joys and difficulties presented within.

“It should not be this hard, am I right?” asked one of the essayists, S. Kent Butler, a professor of counselor education and school psychology at the University of Central Florida. “No, I am not right. When it comes to our Blackness, very little is easy about self-acceptance and others’ acceptance. So, where does the strength and resilience come from? What makes it all right? I believe it is my tribe.”

Questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

What inspired you to create this book? And why now?

Much of the research I do is about Black fathers. So this has, quite frankly, been a long time coming. I really wanted to do at least three things.

The first was to amplify the voices of Black fathers. Period.

Second, I wanted for other people to be able to read and hear these voices in ways that maybe they hadn’t before.

And then third, all of the people who wrote chapters in this book are mental health professionals. I asked them to answer some very specific questions: What might be useful for mental health professionals who are treating or serving Black father clients? What influenced their fathering practice? Did they seek counseling support if and when they confronted challenges and obstacles? And if they did, what did they learn? And if they didn’t, what stopped them?

One of the essayists, Linwood G. Vereen, an associate professor of counseling education at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania who has fathered five biracial children, wrote: “What I have learned in my journey through counseling is that my needs are valid. I have learned that it’s OK to release the unrealistic expectations of others that hurt my soul, and that my Black life matters. I have learned that as much as my children need to see success in life, they must also learn humility through seeing their father show humility.”

Tell me more about why it was particularly important for you to feature the voices of Black fathers.

It’s very easy to consume content about Black men that focuses on some of the challenges that have been systemically placed before us.

You know the stereotype of the absentee Black father, or the overrepresentation of Black men who are incarcerated. But there’s a much more nuanced, rich and complex set of experiences that Black men have. There’s so much to know and understand and appreciate about who Black men are in the context of their communities and how they serve their biological children, and their fictive kin — or the children for whom they are “play uncles” and “play cousins.”

And that’s important because we’re all subject to stereotyping and having prejudiced viewpoints, and no one deserves that. Things like going to the pediatrician with your child and the medical professionals telling you that they’re surprised to see you. Or going to another specialist appointment, maybe with your partner, and the medical professional or the specialist not even addressing any questions to you. Custody cases can transpire in the court systems, as well, that may position Black fathers to not be able to be as engaged as they may want to be.

Are there gems of wisdom from the book that may be helpful to Black fathers?
 
We are socialized to be protectors of our families, protectors of our partners; to provide for our children and families; and prepare them for success. And that’s a lot of pressure. And many times that ability has been influenced by somebody’s socioeconomic profile. What we know now is that fathers, and Black fathers in particular, are contributing in ways much broader than financial provision, and finding ways to emotionally provide for their children. I can’t overstate how important those things are.

“My children are the poster examples of strong, graceful, resilient, fearless and powerful, and most days they use their agency in an unapologetic manner,” Dr. Vereen wrote. “My greatest hope as their father is that they will always do this.”

How can Black fathers protect their mental health?

It’s not easy. What I would remind all Black fathers, and people in general, is that we have to find people and spaces that allow us to be as transparent as possible. We have to find community.

For me, personally, my professional network — whether they’re counselors or my fraternity brothers — there are groups of men to whom I can go and be as brutally honest and as vulnerable as I need to be. It allows me to share all of the victories and the things that I want to celebrate — and it allows me also to share the most challenging, the most vulnerable parts of my experiences, hopefully without fear of judgment.

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Here’s what makes ‘positive parenting’ different—
and why experts say it’s one of the best parenting styles

Amy McCready, Contributor@AMYMCCREADYPPS - Published Sat, Dec 4 202110:30 AM EST Updated Thu, Dec 9 202111:27 AM EST – In CNBC

Luliia Bondar | Getty

These days, there’s no shortage of parenting styles. But after working with thousands of families for more than 20 years, I’ve found positive parenting to be one of the most effective — and my personal favorite.

Unlike authoritarian parenting, which places high expectations on children with little responsiveness, or uninvolved parenting, where there is little nurturance or guidance, positive parenting is an empathy-based approach that involves techniques such as encouragement and problem-solving — rather than shouting, hostility, shaming or leveraging rewards.

In fact, studies have found that when parents resort to constant yelling or nagging, they typically end up feeling frustrated, angry and then guilty afterward. The kids, in turn, may feel frustrated and angry, too, and continue to misbehave.

In the end, very little changes, and the cycle is likely to repeat.

What is positive parenting?

Parents who practice positive parenting don’t use harsh punishment to correct problematic behavior. Instead, they proactively fulfill their kids’ emotional needs through positive interactions, which can prevent a great deal of bad behavior from happening in the first place.

Key traits of positive parenting

Amy McCready | CNBC Make It

According to Caley Arzamarski, a proponent of positive parenting and psychologist specializing in child therapy, positive parenting essentially encourages parents to “catch kids being good” and give more positive feedback, instead of always focusing on bad behavior.

Some parents worry that positive parenting is too fluffy, arguing that children won’t learn to interpret and react to negative emotions if parents don’t help them to see it, which may not serve them well later in life.

However, psychologists have found that positive parenting can promote children’s confidence and provide them with the tools needed to make good choices. It also nurtures their self-esteem, creativity, belief in the future and ability to get along with others.

As parents, we will make mistakes and lose our cool. That presents an ideal opportunity to apologize to our kids and model how we can recover when we mess up.

Here are five ways to practice positive parenting:

1. Spend one-on-one time together

Spending regular quality time with your kids and modeling good behavior is by far the best thing you can do to help them develop self-confidence and healthy relationships.

Kids are hardwired to need positive attention and emotional connection. When they don’t receive it, they seek it out in negative ways, and parents are faced with power struggles, whining and meltdowns.

It only takes 10 to 15 minutes of individual time a day to see improvements. Delighting in moments of connection will also help you create a deeper and more meaningful relationship.

2. Set ‘when-then’ rules

Setting clear expectations is a core aspect of positive parenting. I recommend using the “when-then” method to encourage better behavior during the most challenging times of your child’s day.

Explain to your kid that when the yucky part of a dreaded task is done, then the more enjoyable things can happen. For example, they can use their iPad or play outside after their morning routine is complete — brushing their teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast — if there’s enough time before the bus arrives.

Stick to this practice, and your kids will quickly learn to move through the routine on their own. No nagging required.

3. Say no to rewards

Studies have found that kids who are rewarded often are likely to lose interest in the activity they’re being rewarded for, whether it’s music practice or playing nicely with a sibling. They become more interested in the rewards, meaning you may have to keep up the rewards to maintain the same quality of behavior.

Using encouragement is a better way to bring out the best in your kids. But avoid phrases that point to their character or personality, such as “You’re the best player on the team!” or “You’re so smart!”

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18 Lessons Financially Savvy Parents Teach Their Kids About Money

Financial discussions need to start early.

By Matt Berical from Fatherly Updated: Jan. 25, 2023, Originally Published: June 23, 2020

What are the most important lessons to teach children about money? It’s a good question to consider, particularly because, thanks to a distinct lack of a broad financial literacy curriculum in schools, it falls on parents to be the ones who instill the core concepts of spending, saving, and handling money in general. While there are certainly lessons all parents should be teaching kids about money, we wondered, what do financial planners, accountants, and others who work in the financial industry teach their kids about money? What concepts are essential and how do they distill them down so they can be understood by, say, a seven-year-old?

That’s why we asked a broad array of financial professionals, “What lessons do you teach your kids about money?” The varied responses include everything from envelope systems and understanding wants versus needs to the creation fake debit cards and engineering simple lessons about compound interest. All provide inspiration and instruction on how to help kids get a head start on the road to financial success and serve as a reminder that it’s never too early to begin teaching kids about money.

1. Use The Sticker Chart Reward System

“We use a sticker chart reward system with our young ones, who are in Kindergarten and second grade. You get a sticker for doing homework, practicing, household chores, and the like. After earning 20 stickers each child then gets to pick out a toy, experience, goodies, etc. of their choosing (up to a $ value). This is a foundational value in our household; to instill that effort and hard work is required to earn many of the ‘wants’ in life. And that it takes time.” — Ronsey Chawla, Financial Advisor at Per Sterling Capital Management.

2. Incorporate Financial Topics Into Everyday Life

“This can be as simple as taking my kids to the bank to open a checking/savings account, involving my two kids — I have a 14-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter — in household budgeting conversations during a trip to the store, or planning for a family vacation. It’s important to share lessons and what you learned from your experiences with money management, with the depth of that conversation being up to your individual family. It’s also a good idea to start them saving early. Developing smart saving habits is the first step to becoming money-wise. Encouraging children to contribute a realistic amount to savings, even if it’s just $20 a month, is an easy way to put them on the right track for future financial success.” —Daniel Cahill, SVP, North Dallas Bank & Trust Co.

3. Trust The Lemonade Stand

“With my own kids, who were four and six at the time, we opened lemonade stands, as cliché as it may be. It teaches them literally the fruits of their labor. The help made the lemonade, with real lemons, at every step, until they have the product ready for market. They learn the lessons of “location, location, location,” understanding that where they set up can make a big difference in the traffic they can expect. Setting up on the corner brings some traffic, but not nearly as much as by a nearby field on a hot day where a bunch of kids are at soccer practice.

When they’re done, they bring their profits back home and count it up. This helps them identify and understand what different coins and paper currency mean. They also have piggy banks that are broken up into four different chambers – save, invest, spend and donate. This helps them understand the different utilities of money, immediate gratification, delayed gratification and being a contribution to others.” — Chet Schwartz, RICP, registered representative with Strategies for Wealth, a Financial Advisor with Park Avenue Securities, and a Financial Representative of Guardian Life Insurance

4. Teach Them To Save — But Also Enjoy The Rewards

“To clarify, this all starts with being responsible, working hard, and earning some dough. But this particular piece of advice is about what I do with that earned money. When I come into some kind of bonus or non-recurring income, I always, without fail, carve off some small-ish amount of that bonus for me, my wife, and my daughter, and we all go out together and buy something fun for ourselves, something that we would not otherwise have bought because we thought it was frivolous or hard to justify. We save the bulk, but the rule is that we have to spend that smaller allocated amount on something fun, and we have to do it together as a family.

This is important to me because one, if you don’t enjoy some part of your money “now,” you may never get the chance, and two, it gets us out, as a family, doing something that breaks the normal rules of saving and spending. I’m all about saving of course, but I’m also about enjoying the rewards of hard work, and that’s what this is really all about. If you don’t treat yourself well, you sure as heck shouldn’t expect anyone else to.” — Dan Stampf, VP, Personal Capital Cash

5. Use “Skip Counting”

There’s more than one way to count to 100. You can take the long way, starting with the number one. Or you can also count by twos, tens, twenties, even fifties to get there faster. Learning to “skip count” is an important precursor to developing fluency in calculation, number sense, and the basis for multiplication and division — not to mention counting money. Just pour a bunch of coins on the table and put them into piles by coin type (pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters). Work with your child to “skip count” using different coins and values, reinforcing what they’ve learned. For example, ask them if they notice any patterns (e.g. while counting by 2s, 5s, and 10s). If “skip counting” is still too complex for your kids, continue practicing by changing the number of coins they are counting. That will encourage your children to figure out another total value.” —Jeremy Quittner, Resident Money Expert & Editorial Director, Stash

6. Put Pocket Money To Good Use

“It’s important to teach your children about saving, and the potential benefits. I think a fun way to do this is with their pocket money. Say you give your child $10 for the weekend. Once its spent, it is gone. But I like to introduce the offer that if, for every change they bring back at the end of each week, that change is matched from my money, and saved until it reaches $100, and they can buy themselves something special. For example, if they bring me $2 change, I put $4 aside for them, and this pot grows until it hits $100. The opportunity here is for the children to really think about what they are spending their money on, while also seeing that saving can result in a better purchase that is actually wanted at the end.” — Andrew Roderick, CEO of Credit Repair Companies

7. Use The Token Economy With Toddlers

“Make money fun. Toddlers can start to experience a ‘token economy’ by pretending to play in grocery stores or banks: games that can actively involve your child in playing and beginning to understand money. It’s also important to recognize that it may be more constructive to create other activities for older kids, by introducing them to easy-to-read financial books, like this one. Explain to them how your family approaches investing, paying for taxes, and seeking financial advice from an advisor” – Dillon Ferguson, CFP, Head of Product, Zoe Financial

8. Make The Concept Of Prioritization Crucial

“We ask our three kids to do certain activities at home that are outside of their normal chores for which we compensate them with small amounts of money. This way they learn that to make money they need to put extra effort and work hard. They also learn that the money they make at home can be spent on a variety of different things, but we teach them about the concept of prioritization, since money is a scarce resource. Most importantly, we teach them that the best investment they can ever make is their own education, since education leads to better job opportunities and better quality of life.

We opened college savings accounts for all three kids via UNest and our older one is already contributing into her own account. We show her how money grows over time and teach about the concept of investing, compound interest and tax-free growth. In addition, we emphasize that lack of savings can lead to the student debt. Money that is borrowed can be very expensive and the need to pay off student loans would create setbacks in life and delay other important decisions like buying a house or starting a family. Putting a small amount aside each month and investing for education teaches our kids discipline and motivates them to think long-term.” — Ksenia Yudina, CEO and Founder of UNest

9. Teach Them About Coins — And The Four Pillars

“I think that six years old is a good age to start teaching kids about money. A great first objective is teaching them about coins. While that might seem simple, it is not as easy a subject as you might think. Take a step back and think this through: Why is the big nickel worth less than the small dime? I think it’s fun to play games with kids once they understand the value of each coin by having them make different combinations to get to one dollar. 10 dimes. 20 nickels. Four quarters. One-hundred pennies. Fifty pennies and two quarters.

Start with teaching them one of the four pillars of financial literacy: save, spend/budget, invest and charity. For younger children, savings is the easiest as you can simply use a clear jar where they can put loose coins and see them build up. Remember to keep lessons age-appropriate and that developing money-smarts is not an exercise in trying to create the next Warren Buffet. It is about making them feel comfortable talking about money, understanding basic money vocabulary, and eventually starting good habits that will last a lifetime. You want to avoid the firehose method of teaching where you pile on too much information too soon. Rather consider using the drip-drip-drip method that starting them at a young age gives you plenty of time for them to build a great foundation.” — Thomas J. Henske, Partner, Lenox Advisors

10. Be Open About Your Financial Goals

“When my kids were younger, my wife and I agreed on an aggressive goal to pay off our house in a set number of years. When that goal was reached, we agreed to take the family on a trip to Disney World. We bought a Mickey Mouse puzzle, assembled it, and disassembled it in a way that for each $1,000 we reduced principal on the loan, we put so many pieces of the puzzle together. It created a visual representation of our progress. We explained our goal to the kids in terms they could understand so they saw the progress and the reward at the end after several years of work. While the kids now understand the financial side of the goal, it is the visual representation of the puzzle they recall most.” — Phil Kernen, CFA | Portfolio Manager, Mitchell Capital

11. Teach Them About Compound Interest

“As a financial planner and fastidious investor, my kids are being taught about compound interest at a young age. When my five-year-old daughter receives birthday money from our relatives, I show her how putting 25 percent of her money away can give her many more Barbies and dolls in the future. Would you rather buy one Barbie today, or be able to buy five Barbies later, I ask? Even a child can understand that by deferring some instant gratification today, they can enjoy greater luxuries later.” — Thanasi Panagiotakopoulos, Financial Planner, Life Managed

12. Never Say ‘There is No Money’

“Say instead, money is valuable and needs to be used wisely. Or money is not to be wasted. The reason is that children should not grow up with a limitation mindset but an abundance mindset while learning to be careful with money. Saying ‘there’s is no money,’ tells the child that when they get money in their hands, they can throw it away, and that’s not a good thing.” — Kokab Rahman, author of Author of Accounting for Beginners

13. Don’t Forget the Power of Delayed Gratification

“My children are 2 and 4 years old currently, and while it’s definitely too early to teach any significant money lessons to the two-year-old (aside from showing him how to put coins in a piggy bank), the four-year-old is another story. I recently tried this simple method of teaching savings and it worked well. Each night, I gave her a quarter for straightening up her toys before bed. She could choose to use a quarter to get a treat from the candy dish, but if she saved five of her quarters, we could do something special that weekend (go to the zoo, a favorite restaurant, etc.). Delayed gratification is such a valuable skill to learn at a young age, and I plan to use more complex ways to incentivize saving as she gets older.” — Matt Frankel, CFP, The Ascent

14. Turn Financial Mistakes Into Teachable Moments

“We don’t pay our kids for daily chores like making their bed, feeding the dogs, or picking up after themselves. But I do pay them for mowing the yard (my 10-year-old) or helping cut firewood (all my children), things that are above and beyond their normal family contributions that they worked hard to attain. It’s also important to let them make mistakes. Recently my 10-year-old wanted to purchase a new movie release for $19.99, so I let him. The next day he wanted to buy a video game. I said sure pay me and he could buy it. He then realized he spent all his money on the movie. That’s the time to have a good conversation around it. Was it worth it? What could you do differently?” — Joel Hodges, CPA, Intuit, Tax Content Group Manager

15. Explain The Difference Between Needs and Wants

One of the most important money lessons I’m already teaching my young children is the difference between needs and wants. If she holds up something at a store — say, something from the candy aisle — I’ll ask ‘Do you need that, or do you want that?’ It took a few tries, but she got the hang of it. It can be helpful to set a firm cap on the ‘wants,’ such as one per week, while showing that we always take care of our needs.”— Matt Frankel, CFP, The Ascent

16. Introduce The idea Of Money Early And Often

“At home, we value speaking openly about our financial lives and the value of saving such that our kids learn by example. A great way we teach our 4-year old about money is to have them understand the value of a purchase. The other day my son wanted us to buy him a new game for his iPad. To ‘convince us,’ we had him walk through the value in relation to the actually cost of the game. It’s never too early for your children to understand the cost of things. “- Andres Garcia-Amaya, Founder, Zoe Financial

17. Enlist The Envelope System

“Kids are never too young to learn how to handle money, one fun way for them to learn about money is to have them separate their allowances on what they want to spend. They can do this by having small envelopes and placing a certain amount from their allowances. This helps them learn about budgeting and the value of money when that certain envelope reaches the goal amount. Children are also allowed to have bank accounts, so it is good for them to have their accounts so that they can start learning to save early. — Leonard Ang, CMO, iProperty Management

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7 Ways to Be a More Patient Parent, According to a Patience Expert

Patience is a skill. And like any other skill, it can be nurtured and grown.
These seven exercises can help.

by Ashley Abramson

Updated: Dec. 20, 2022

Originally Published: March 11, 2022 in Fatherly

Parenthood, in many ways, is a long exercise in patience. From the moment you find out you’re expecting, you’re tasked with waiting patiently — and that task might start to feel more demanding as your baby turns into a kid. Sleep training, potty training, and even just getting your kid ready and out the door for preschool all require the ability to stay calm and collected in frustrating moments. Clearly it’s not easy.

“A lot of people think ‘I’m just not patient, and that’s the way it is,’” says Sarah A. Schnitker, Ph.D, a psychology professor at Baylor University who studies patience. But that’s not exactly the case. Patience is a skill that can be acquired — and one that is extremely useful for parents and everyone else. “You can accomplish your goal faster because you’re able to stay regulated, which allows you to exert more effort,” Schnitker says. “If you’re patient while potty training, you can stay calm when your kid has another accident, and not give up.”

Here are a few simple-but-effective ways to improve your patience in the moment and over time, according to experts.

1. Practice Cognitive Reappraisal

Impatience is often driven by negative or catastrophizing thoughts. You may feel like your toddler is trying to mess up your morning, or that it’s the end of the world when you’re running late or someone cuts you off in traffic. Schnitker says cognitive reappraisal, the practice of realigning your thoughts with reality, can help take the edge off when you’re feeling impatient.

One way to do that: Try to take on a different perspective than your own when you feel that hot emotion. For example, if you’re feeling impatient about your toddler’s constant whining, think about how they might feel when they can’t have what they want (and without the luxury of logical thinking). You can also think about the grand scheme compared to your frustrating moment. Losing five minutes of time right now might be stressful and annoying, but in the big picture, it’s probably not that big of a deal.

2. Regularly Reflect on Hard Moments

It’s not always easy (or even possible) to regain patience in difficult moments, and every parent loses their cool from time to time. To help yourself learn from those mistakes, Schnitker says it’s important to take time to reflect on them. After your kids are in bed, ask yourself how the day went. What was the hardest part of the day, what were you feeling in that moment, and how do you wish you handled it differently? “That way, you get to practice a different way of thinking and decide how to handle things differently in the future,” she says.

3. Use Implementation Intentions

Once you take some time to think about how you want to respond when situations test your patience, it can help to make a plan. Schnitker recommends using “if/when” statements: For example, you could decide, “If my kid has a tantrum when it’s time for bed, I’ll give them this much time to calm down.”

“Planning out ahead what you’ll do in those situations that most frustrate you can help, because you don’t have to figure it out when you’re already frustrated,” she says.

4. Identify Your Triggers

Uncontrollable outside scenarios might play a role in loss of patience, but losing your cool involves internal triggers. Pauline Yeghnazar Peck, PhD, a California-based psychotherapist, suggests making a list of common scenarios that make you more irritable so you can make a plan to cope before the moment you usually lose your patience.

For example, maybe you tend to get more irritable and impatient when you’re hungry. On the days you have to bring the kids to daycare, make sure to eat breakfast or bring a snack in the car. Or maybe you find yourself struggling more with patience when you’re short on sleep. If you can’t sneak in a nap, ask your partner to take over for the morning so you don’t end up snapping at your family.

“Just identifying that something is a triggering situation for you can help you find the coping skills you need to navigate it with a little more ease and grace,” Peck says.

5. Think with Your Purpose

It’s easier to get frustrated when you lose sight of the big picture. When you’re struggling to be patient with your kids especially, Schnitker suggests zooming out and asking yourself some important questions. For example: Who do you hope your kids become? What values do you want to instill in them? What kind of memories do you want them to have of you later on in life? “Connecting with the bigger purpose of parenting, something you’re working toward besides getting your kids teeth brushed and pajamas on at night, can make it easier to deal with daily frustrations,” she says.

You can reflect on your purpose as a parent in the moment or after the fact by processing with your partner or journaling. The important thing is to give yourself a chance to remember your goals as a parent — and how patience can contribute to your bigger purpose of instilling your principles in your kids.

6. Integrate Mindfulness into Your Routine

At its core, impatience means you have a hard time tolerating tough situations. Mindfulness meditation, which teaches you how to exist in the present moment without judgment or evaluation, can help you improve your patience over time.

“A lot of people think mindfulness is about relaxation, and while that might be a byproduct, it’s more about seeing what’s happening and not moving immediately into action,” says Peck. “It helps lengthen the amount of time and space between the activating event and your response.”

Try downloading a meditation app like Headspace or Insight Timer and carving out a few minutes every day to meditate. During meditations, notice what you feel when you’re trying to meditate — maybe you’re wishing the meditation was over or stressed about what’s next — and then bring yourself back to the moment. Over time, your ability to persevere in patience-requiring situations will grow. “You can look at a situation, be curious about what will unfold, and choose how you’d like to respond,” Peck says.

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